Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.
You make me feel a lot giddier like I have eaten a box of chocolate.
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
I don't have a Christmas list, cuz you're already the best gift.
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
If you were a baseball mit, would you catch my fly balls?
French people give me the crepes.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
We make a great pear
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.