*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
“Let’s quack this case.”
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
Are you the square root of -100? Because you’re a solid 10 but too good to be real!
You’re sledding a fine line there.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
They call me Ace, because you just got served.
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
Baby, meeting you was better than an NHL lockout ending.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
Whats the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
Did you just hit me with a pitch? I'm feeling faint.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
Let's boomerbang!
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
Are you good at finding things? Because I think you may have found my heart. Also, I don't know which zone I parked my car into so I need help with that too. Thanks!