The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
Salty but sweet.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
I really hope Santa can figure out how to make all his deliveries this year due to Covid-19......
I hear he just ran out of santa-tizer.
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
How do penguins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
You look pretty cool, I hope you don’t lead me Jack to square one
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.
Nothing runs a pun like bad spelling, accept poor grammar's.
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
The pint’s the limit.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they