What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
John Travolta has been diagnosed with the Corona Virus.
He had chills that were multiplying.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
Hey Erin, ever heard that sharin’ is carin’? Care to share a meal together sometime?
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
Have you botany plants lately?
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry."
How about dinner?
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
Football players get cheerleaders, but hockey players bring them home.
If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda