What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
I like the way you espresso yourself.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
I really hate straws.
They suck.
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
If you take the "L" out of LOVER. Its OVER.
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
Does your dad own a chocolate factory? Because you are as sweet as chocolate.
Grammar has never been my strong suit.
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.