I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!

What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.

"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown

"I Hate Peanut Butter"

These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!

– Innarenko

Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!

I froze some raspberries last summer. You're hot enough to defrost them.

I can out here for an easy run, but you make my heart do speed work

Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.

I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.

Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.

What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.

I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.

Baby, you're so sweet you'd put Hershey's out of business!

What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.

My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.

“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais

“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan

Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?

To keep each udder dry.

Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”

My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.

What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.

What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.

“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese

My coach told me not to get my heart rate over 160 today, but then I screwed up when I saw you!

Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.

What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?

I’d love to spend some time Matthew

He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.

I was trying to think of a good pun for your name, but I can’t think of Jack

You are the square to my root.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?

You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days?
It's the mask era.

Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.

I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah

"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein

What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.

"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet

Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation

Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”

What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.

Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.

I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?

Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.

Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.

We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.

“Monday should be optional.”

When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time

I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.

Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.