What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
Ann and Andy's anniversary is in April.
You have goat to be kidding me.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
Hey, can I put you on my emergency contact list?
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
Flute players provide some cheap trills.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
I followed my heart to you.
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
I was trying to think of a good pun for your name, but I can’t think of Jack
Excuse me, there has been a heartbreak incident and I need your number to solve it.
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
What is a car’s favourite job?
Caretaker.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.