“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
You're so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
I now believe in Angels.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?
‘We are routing for you!’
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
We have such great chemistry that we should do some biology together.