How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
Boy: Want to hear a joke?
Girlfriend: Sure.
Boy: Our relationship.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
Are you squiding me right now?
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
Why is "dark" spelled with a K?
Because you can't C in the dark.
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
I was blinded by your beauty...
I’m going to need your name and phone number for insurance purposes.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
I couldn't chair less!
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
Baby, you light up my mood like the way chocolate can.
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
I'm learning about important dates in history. Wanna be in one of them?
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!