What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.

What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.

I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.

Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.

When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."

Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.

What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver

It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.

get nervous when I fly; do you mind if I hold your hand?

Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.

The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.

When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.

My favorite element on the periodic table is Uranium, because I am in love with U.

How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.

Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.

I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing

Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.

What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.

“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn

You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf

Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.

Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?

Hi, my name is Will. God's Will.

When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.

"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."

I’ve learned that milk promotes beauty. But how much have you been drinking so far?

Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain

Would you mind loaning me a quarter? I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.

Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft

The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.

What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.

How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.

What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

I have these chicken n_ggets. Now all I need is U!

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”

– John Ruskin

What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.

Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?

Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)

Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!

I'll be your farm boy if you'll be my Princess Bride.

Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.

“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?

I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”

How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”

What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?