I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
How about I perform a sort on your variables, and you can analyze my performance? If I were sin2x and you were cos2x, together we’d be ONE!
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
You should date a swimmer because no matter how tired we are, we never stop halfway.
You must be regulated by the FDA because you treat, cure, and prevent my broken heart.
Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66
Are you fossil? Because I want to date you!
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
What do llamas always reply when you thank them?
No probllama.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
Would you like to share fire with me?
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson