What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
You looked better when I was drunk.
Are you a pile of soiled dishes? Because I want to spend the entire evening with you.
The only thing hotter than your body is the sun.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
My Aunt with half a plate left: I don't think I can eat anymore, this meat is just not appealing to me.
Me: Have a potato, it has a peal.
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
Baby you be the tree and I'll wrap around you like a koala bear.
I read dead people.
I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran my boat into yours. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.