Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
The only thing sweeter than pumpkin pie is you, baby!
You're hotter than a Bunsen burner.
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
Do you believe in love at first set, or should we run it another time?
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
Summer is just floating by.
I’m not a photographer, but I can definitely picture your number on my phone.
Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.
The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
Okay, here’s the deal: I’ll let you take the last stuffed crust frozen pizza if you let me take you to dinner. At your house. Where we’ll be having frozen pizza.
What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.
Do you know why Uranium is my favorite element on the periodic table of elements? That’s because I love U!
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
Would you mind loaning me a quarter? I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”