My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
I wonder why theatres are so sad? They're always dark, moody, and in tiers.
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
Girl, your really good at this catch and release thing. Every time I catch my breath around you, you make me lose it again.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
Do you wanna see a magic trick? Watch me pull something out of my pants!
I'm just like a dumpling. I have fillings for you.
What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
I like you sow much.
Fall makes me g-leaf-full!
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
Listen, I’ve got a couple important questions and I really need Samanthas
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.