What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What did Homer Simpson say when he saw a female deer?
“Doe!”
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Wow Andrew, you seem cool an-drewly gorgeous
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. I hope you find someone who treasures you.
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
It’s a good thing we’re bad at puzzles because there is no way we’re putting this shit back together.
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.