Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
You shift my emotional oxy-hemoglobin saturation curve to the left! Easy to bind, hard to let go...
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
What does the birch like to study in school? Chemistree.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
"I now pronounce you dumped and single. You may now kiss my ass."
Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
Oh, Darling, I'd like to be in your octopus garden
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
Are you that one more chapter? You keep me awake most of the time.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
What are you doing this saturday? I've got a football match, but I'd rather score with you
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
You're like my favourite chocolate bar - half sweet and half nuts!
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
I'm like a Christmas present - you'll love waking up to me in the morning.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome