What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
Hi, I'm Mr. Right.
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
Why’d you dress up as a princess, when you could have simply come in plain clothes as the most beautiful girl at the Halloween party?
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
Girl, If you were a fruit you'd be a can't-elope.
Haida there, gorgeous.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Mmm baby! You’re decomposing in ALL the right places!
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
Do you know why you need to get up early? Because you’re the sunshine.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
Will you be my G-Protein? Because I want to be coupled with you!
What do you call an undead bee?
A zom-bee.