What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
Distill my beating heart.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
Metaphors be with you.
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
Roses are red, violets are blue, give me your number, so I can bloom with you.
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!