I heard there are names that can be impossible to make puns out of, say its not Zoey!

I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!

I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?

Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."

Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.

Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?

Nothing really mattress.

What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land

What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.

What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.

“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”

“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!

(Robert Graves)

How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.

Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.

At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.

Don't worry, bee happy!

One night I looked up at the stars and thought, ‘Wow, how beautiful.’ But now that I’m looking at you, nothing else can compare.

The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM

For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.

“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous

I perform best when I’m wet.

Roses are red, my face is too.. that only happens when I see you.

Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.

What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!

Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.

Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.

"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"

"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous

What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.

My roommates insist that our house is haunted
I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.

"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.

I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.

What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.

Can I buy you an Easter Egg?

Let’s get elf-ed up.

I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.

Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.

Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!

I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper

What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."

Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.

Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.

How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).

I accidentally pooped in my pants. Can I get into yours?

I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!

“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown

Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”

Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.

Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.

Here’s my number. Send me a text when you’re ready to fall in love with me.

How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.

Roses are red

Violets are blue

But I don't care

Cause I'm leaving you.