Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
I didn’t plan on specializing, but you seem pretty special to me.
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
Its ok to kiss a nun....
But don't get into the habit.
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
"Here for the right riesling."
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
Nathan compares to you
I was worried you’d just be a pretty face, but Olivia looks real good to me
Sorry, I'm octopied.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be dead than continue seeing you!
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What sound does it make when an ogre eats a witch for breakfast?
Snap cackle n' pop
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.