Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
Boy: Want to hear a joke?
Girlfriend: Sure.
Boy: Our relationship.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
Are you the Mayflower? Because you have been sailing through my head
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
Hay girl, I'd like to have a stable relationship with you!
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
You are my density!
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
Baby are you an angel? Because I'm a atheist.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.