What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
God gave us two ears, two eyes, two legs and two hands, but he only gave us one heart, and he wanted me to find you and tell you, you are the second one.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
You're as intoxicating as home distilled liquor.
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
Ohh hey… You’re Riley cute
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can't really peer pressure them.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
I love making new friends.
That’s why I studied under Dr. Frankenstein.
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."