What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
I want to ask you out, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots…
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
Love me do
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
"Five Little Acorns"
Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”
The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.
– Debbie Hill
"The Silliest Teacher in School"
Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.
We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.
The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.
“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”
– Darren Sardelli
What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
Don't worry, the Corona Virus won't last long... It was made in China.
Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
Are you from Stockholm? Cause you're the Swedish girl I've ever seen.
Haven’t I seen you before? Maybe in my dreams?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Jamaican.
Jamaican who?
Jamaican me horny.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
In case of an emergency, pull down the zipper on my pants.
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
I can’t remember my number. Can I please have yours instead?
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
I’m looking for my soulmate. Do you think you could Aiden my search?
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
Why does it take so long for the EU to figure out how much Italy owes them every year?
Hey, ease up. Rome wasn't billed in a day.
How will you make a baby astronaut fall asleep peacefully? Rock-et.
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!
The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.
It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.
The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.
My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.
The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.
A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.
(by Annabel Sheila)
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.