I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
Canada is planning a mission to the moon
They're calling the spaceship the Apollo-G.
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
"The pursuit of happiness" means it's cool to hit on you, right?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
Your good weed for the day.
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.