If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Are you my appendix?
Because I don't know anything about you but this feeling in my gut is telling me that I should take you out.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
(Pick up a sugar packet off the floor) Uh, miss? I think you dropped your name tag.
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
Girl, your chromosomes have combined beautifully.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
My text tone is adorable! Message me, so you can hear it.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
Hey baby, how many Gamma-ray bursts can your Milky Way take?
What is the collective noun for cars?
Pack of cars.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.
It was a shot in the dark, but I took it.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?