If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!
I want your flesh rocket in my hot pocket.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
We need to cover more ground so we should split up.
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
I’m not sure, but I think I’m falling in love with you already.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Many mumbling mice are making merry music in the moonlight.
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
Are you into salads? Because I think I'm falling in lovage.
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
Rebel without a Claus.
What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
Let's procreate like the snakes in the Narcisse Dens.
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
I can love you more than a cowboy loves a fat calf.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
Wow, your name makes sense because you’re truly Audrey-m come true
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
Hey Cameron, did you know your name was an anagram for romance?
Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.