Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
I'm on a hunt - for your number.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
The boot black brought the black boot back.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
So tell me Ian, what’s the most Ian-teresting thing about you?
Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
How about a kanga-root?
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
Hey, does this handkerchief smell like CHCl3?
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.
Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
We were mermaid for each other.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.