Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Baby, we need to get together before Christmas, because you can't spell "love" with No-el.
I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
Can I buy you an Easter Egg?
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t answer the door.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Let's get drinks, cuz I wanna get into the holiday ~spirit~ with you.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.