What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?

Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.

Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.

You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."

Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."

And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."

(Martin Gardner)

Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Tex.

Tex who?

Tex two to tango.

What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.

Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.

I’m so glad prohibition was repealed, because I’m drunk on you.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.

How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.

My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?

How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!

An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.

Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?

Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."

When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.

What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.

Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!

“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown

“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown

What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi

What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.

What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships

What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.

You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.

How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?

Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.

What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson

What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.

When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.

My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.

Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.

“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns

What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.

Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.

In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.

Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart

Excuse me, is your name Grace?
Because you're amazing!

There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.

Distill my beating heart.

"I whip my hare back and forth."

My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.

Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.

(Kevin Nishmas)

I miss you! I’ll see you tater!