Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
Hey, I would like to introduce my Crouching Tiger to your Hidden Dragon.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
You're such a TEAse.
Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
Hey, I was reading through the Book of Numbers today, and I realized I didn't have yours.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
You are pitcher perfect.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
You’re my lucky charm.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
I have bean thinking about you.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
Enough exposition. Let’s move this to the development section
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.