Every time i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up.
I know my math. And you’ve got one significant figure!
I must be a litmus paper, and you must be acid. Because every time I come into contact with you, I turn all red.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
I’m no adjective; I would never want to modify you.
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
Grammar has never been my strong suit.
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
If you were a Transformer you'd be Optimus Fine!
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
What do you say to a bee that bothers you?
"Buzz off!"
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the ONe.
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
What do ghouls drink?
Boos!
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
Hey, does this handkerchief smell like CHCl3?
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.