What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
I really caribou-t you.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
Don't get tide down.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
Can you give me directions…to your heart?
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.