Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You made my life a mess
Please call a clean-up crew
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
Do you know what they say about hockey players? They can always find the opening!
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
I'm no Joseph. Perhaps you can help me interpreting the dreams I've been having about you?
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
It's ice to meet you.
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
Girl, want to watch me play? I never miss the target.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
Do you want to be my doubles partner...for life?
I goat this.
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
Just had Lobster Bisque for the first time!
It was souper good!
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
Sorry I didn’t get you any chocolates for valentines day...
But if you want something sweet,I’m right here
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
That’s a beautiful dog. Does she have a phone number?
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
Hey girl. I won this gold medal, but I'd really like to win your heart.
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
Ooh, you look boo-tilicious!
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
Your good weed for the day.
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
"You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen foods section—because you could melt all this stuff."
- Steve Martin, My Blue Heaven (1990)
You know, less teeth means more tongue.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.