Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
Are you my homework? Because I’m not doing you, even though I should.
I'm like acetaminophen. I'll make sure all your pains go away when we're together.
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
Let’s get elf-ed up.
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
You have beautiful eyes. Oh, wait, those are your wings. Why you gotta be so scary?
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
Is this the transfiguration?
Because you are glowing.
You: Can I borrow a quarter?
She: why? (if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why).
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
I’m a fraction – be my other half.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.