What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
Potato puns are a-peeling.
I'd like to practice some of my penalty kicks with you.
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
I'm no curler, but I think I could sweep you off your feet!
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
I’ll never fir-get.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin