Excuse me, is it you or my coffee that’s getting my heart rate up?
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my Hispanic friends
It means a lot to them.
Are you a fire alarm? because you are really freaking loud and annoying
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
I loaf you.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
I have successfully managed to synthesize a protein that makes two people fall in love. Do you want to try it?
Sorry I didn’t get you any chocolates for valentines day...
But if you want something sweet,I’m right here
It's ice to meet you.
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
I can be your travel pillow.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
I froze some raspberries last summer. You're hot enough to defrost them.
It’s a beautiful Degas!
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
Icy what you did there!
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you are Cu-Te.
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.
My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.
Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.