“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Don’t worry, beer happy.
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
Of course your name is Amy. I can already tell you’re Amy-zing
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
What do you call a sneezing big foot in Spanish?
Achoopacabra.
Do you want to die happy?
I've heard lovemaking is a killer.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.