What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
Is this the registration table? Because I need a number from you.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
Hey the cyclist, can I take you for a spin on my handlebars?
Did you know I'm the Ronaldo of lovers?
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
I'd spend Tuesdays with Morrie, but baby, I'd spend every day with you.
How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
All clover the world.
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
You're as classy as the first Pan Am flight.
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
Flashier Great Tits Produce Stronger Sperm, Bird Study Shows.
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers