Let me check your tag.
Yep, just as I thought - Made In Heaven.
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
In the eyes of the lawn.
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
I think I found my perfect match
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
You must be a fourth or a fifth, because you're just perfect!
If you were a baseball and I was a bat would you let me hit?
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
Man: "If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together."
Woman: "They got it right the first time with the N and O."
Fairies just wand to have fun.
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
I'll make love to you if you want me to.
“Every mile is two in winter.”
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
Okay, here’s the deal: I’ll let you take the last stuffed crust frozen pizza if you let me take you to dinner. At your house. Where we’ll be having frozen pizza.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."