"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
Robviously, I couldn’t help but ask you out
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
I am struggling to carry with this hiking but your great glow has kept me going.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes.
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
If I wrote a cookbook, you'd be the featured recipe.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Water you doing, my friend?
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
This summer is going swimmingly.
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.