“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
Were you born in 1789? Because you’re a real classical beauty
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
Promise you won’t Char-leave?
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
No wonder the sky is gray- all the color is in your eyes.
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
How can you tell you’re in a pig wine bar? Because everything’s swine.
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
Hay girl, I'd like to have a stable relationship with you!
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.
Hey Caleb, I think I leb you already.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.