I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
I’m jealous of your stethoscope… I am the one who should be wrapped around your neck!
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
Hey babe, I think its about time we cancel our gym membership. We're not working out anymore
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
Best in snow.
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
For that special cashier:
Since you're checking me out why don't we go to the movies?
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.