When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What do you say to a bee that bothers you?
"Buzz off!"
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
How about we play a fun game called Haida totem pole?
Are you p>0.5, because I’d never reject you.
I don’t need to be a doctor to diagnose you with acute smile.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
I know you don’t Naomi, but I hope you will soon
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
Knock knock. Who's there? You're - You're who? - You're single!
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
Every muscle in your body is beautiful.
Can I take a few shots at your goal?
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
Hey, are you okay-leb?
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.