All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
Close your eyes and I will kiss you. Tomorrow I will miss you.
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
Why are cars so cheeky?
Because they are fuel of it.
Please excuse my resting beach face.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
Were you a member of the Boy Scouts? You’ve tangled up my heart.
What do llamas always say after yoga class?
“Llamaste.”
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
Say it ain’t snow.
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
Do you know what the Temple Veil and I both have in common?
We're both ripped.
Beach you to it.
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
You had me at taco.
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
Dealers Will Hear Car Talk At Noon
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you are Cu-Te.
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
I've been thinking of U periodically.