My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
I'd love to see you s'more.
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
Why was the Copper Mountain skier taken to the emergency room?
He hurt his ski bum.
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
When it’s raining, a turtle goes to a shell-ter.
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
Let’s make some pour decisions.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
Why did the guy kill the fly?
It was bugging him.
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess let me in.
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
Your beauty is blinding.
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
Are you sugar? Because I want you in everything I have.
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.