If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
The Tsar Bomba, the most powerful nuclear explosive in recorded history, has an output of 57 megatons of TNT
And that pales in comparison to how much of a bombshell you are.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
I wood never leaf you.
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
I like your tight end
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
Honey, you’re a slam dunk!
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
We’ll have a ball.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
The leech, who is good at drawing blood, applied for a job in an art gallery.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin