Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
I have these chicken n_ggets. Now all I need is U!
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
The sun is just a big space heater.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
I should have dressed up as a ghost tonight so I could let you under my sheets.
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
Wow, you’re gorgeous. I’m definitely in Awe-stin of you.
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.