Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
Are you religious? Because you’re the answer to my prayers.
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Theodore!
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open so I knocked
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
Say it ain’t snow.
Did you know I'm the Ronaldo of lovers?
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.