What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
Ah! The element of surprise.
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
Hey Cameron, did you know your name was an anagram for romance?
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!
I'll be kicking myself if I don't get to know you better.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
You’re my heartthrob.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Britney Spears
Britney Spears who?
Knock, knock - oops i did it again.
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
Excuse me, there has been a heartbreak incident and I need your number to solve it.
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
What was the owl’s favorite Whitney Houston song?
Owl always love you.