What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Import-ant.
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)
You’re the girl that everybody wants. Today is their lucky day.
Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
Of all the girls I’ve seen on here, you’re at the top of m’Alice-t
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute
I whale always love you.
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Baby, you make my rover raise its mast into a vertical position.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
In on the ground flora.