Hey, are you a campfire? ‘Cause you’re super hot and I want s’more.
What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
You're a Catch Worthy of a Gold Glove
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
I want to be a drop of your blood, so I could travel your body and sleep in your heart.
"Hey baby, you look so good, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of y'all!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
Why do we enjoy wine jokes?
Because they're de-vine!
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
You are living proof that Australia was colonized by criminals, because it's 'criminal' how good you look.
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !
Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
Where do recluses live in Spain?
Barceloner.
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
If there's a will, there's a wave.
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.