A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ike.
Ike who?
Ike can rock your world, baby.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.
Do you happen to know sign language? Because this is the last time you’ll hear from me.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
I just want to say, “I love brew.”
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
Let's be like Noah and do this as a pair.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
Did you get lost on your run? Because heaven is a long way from here.
Are you a Victoria's Secret model? Because heaven's missing an Angel.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
I think we need to become better strangers.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
"The pursuit of happiness" means it's cool to hit on you, right?
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.
Who is a crow’s favorite actor? Russell Crow!
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
If you were a tree, you'd be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
Is your name chocolate, because you make my seratonin levels rise and give me a sense of pleasure.
Hey girl, my gold medal might be shiny but it looks like a dull penny compared to that sparkle in your eyes
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”