Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.

Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!

Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.

Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.

Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.

I like your tight end

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oakham
Oakham who?
Oakham all ye faithfull!

There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".

I was going to read Proverbs 31, but then I realized I could just study you instead.

Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.

Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.

Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."

What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.

How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.

What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?

I was having a pretty boring night but now it’s looking a lot more Evelyn-tful

The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.

My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.

There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.

Hey baby, you’ve captured my eye. Could I have it back?

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.

My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.

My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.

What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.

As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.

What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”

Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.

Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.

Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.

Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.

If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.

All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.

Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.

If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.

How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.

Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.

My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.

“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”

What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.

Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.

Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.

The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.

Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.

What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.

You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.

What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.

My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.

I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.