Are you a parking ticket? Because you're evidence that I made a mistake.
Roses are red, my face is too, this only happens when I cycle with you.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
So I was reading my bible the other day and I was wondering if you know what Paul meant by "Greet one another with a holy kiss?"
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
Let's cross the international dateline together.
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
Hey, I was reading through the Book of Numbers today, and I realized I didn't have yours.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
Red wasn't feeling very well for the past few weeks. He has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
Are you crippling depression and anxiety? Because you haunt me at every waking hour.
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
If kisses were raindrops, I'd send you a hurricane.
Honey, if you were a space station, you’d be called Deep Space Fine.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Looking for some hunka hunka burning love?
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”