Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
You're so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
You make my heart slip 'n slide.
What did the turkey say after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm still stuffed.
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
In Ireland, I call the shots.
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess let me in.
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Do you find bone puns humerus?
Deaf mute gets new hearing
What’s happens to the sportiest horse?
It gets to be first horse-pick of the draft.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
No matter how much she trimmed the particular strand of grass, the unruly grass kept on growing- what a grass-cal!
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
Orange you excited for Halloween?
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Have you seen any linking verbs around here? Because you are my complement and I want to connect.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly