"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?
Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
So, are you the kinda guy to Lu-kiss and tell?
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
I wish I was your coronary artery so that I could be wrapped around your heart.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
If fish lived on land, in which country would they live? Finland.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
"Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches."
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
I’m elf-taught.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.