Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
What did the deer say to his funny friend? You’re deer-larious!
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
I'm on a hunt - for your number.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
Hey Anna, how about you Anna I grab a drink sometime?
The only thing brighter than the sun on this track is your smile.
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
Owl always love you.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
Your smile lit up the room so I had to come over.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
Hey there cyclist, I'll be your mechanic if you'll be my ride.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.