Can I have directions?
To your heart.
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
You love dogs. I love dogs. I think we may just be the paw-fect match.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
You are so beautiful that you made me forget my pick up line.
Irish I had better jokes.
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes.
I hope you're ready to spend some koalaty time together.
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
Let’s show Potassium and water that the two of us can make a more energetic reaction together than them!
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
I'm doing yoga tonight but I rather be doing you.
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
Is it true what they say about the size of a man’s canine teeth?
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember.