You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
I red a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
If I was a robot and you were one 2 if I lost a nut would you give me a screw.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
I must be a diamond now, because you just gave me a hardness of 10.
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop telling these awful knock-knock jokes!
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
Scientists have recently discovered a rare new element called Beautium. It looks like you are made of it.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!