Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Are you an owl?
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
Are you from history? Because your body looks royal.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious...or DID she?
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
Ice simply love it when it snows!
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Metaphors be with you.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
By the seat of one’s punt
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
Even the most powerful storms of Jupiter couldn’t keep me from you!
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Hey there, don’t add honey to that chamomile. You’re already too sweet.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.