What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Repeat this as many times as you get rejected until you get the number. Works like a charm.
Are you from heaven? because you seem like an angel to me?
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
I think you’re dandelion.
I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
You’re as beautiful as a flower, but I think I rose to the challenge.
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
What dinner dish does a developing neuron use?
A neural plate.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
How do you call football without shoes?
Socker.
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Your mausoleum or mine?
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,.... she's imaginary.
Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.