My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
I beg your garden?
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it’s kangaroo.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
Is that a mirror in your Bible? Because I see you reflecting Christ.
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
Oh wow sorry – I just got l’Austin your eyes.
You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.
You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
Fall is a-maize-ing.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
The only thing sweeter than pumpkin pie is you, baby!
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
Sorry, I had a pick up line for you but I got so distracted by your beauty.
Do you know the difference between a wasps and a bee? A wasp is mean and aggressive… but Abby is sweet and cute
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall, I'm sitting on my wallet."
Are you the one who signed up for the pee club?
Because if so, urine.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.