I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
Are you a rusty bike? Because you gonna squeak and scream when I ride you tonight.
Gas rig men grilled by villagers - The Oxford Times
Hey girl, you must be a math book because you’re full of problems.
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.
Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
Is there an excessive heat warning or am I just hot for you.
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
Adam? More like ahh-damn.
I’m like the Jean Baptiste-Colbert of relationships. I never trade with anyone else.
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
What is the preferred shampoo brand of truck drivers?
Lorry-el
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter.
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)