It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
Nice asteroids.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
I like you sow much.
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
Why are witches good at farming?
Because they love occult-ivation.
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
Hey girl, I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.
Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.
Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.
Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.
(M. Tarun Prasad)
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!