What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?
Do you want some tea, Rex?
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
I didn't know angels flew this low.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
Why are kangaroos so qualified to be teachers?
Because they’re kan-gurus.
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
The favorite drink for batman is a fruit punch.
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
Did you see the glitch earlier? You weren’t listed as the top hottest single.
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
I think there’s something wrong with my eye. I can’t take them off of you.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
If you can join the seas and the rivers, why not join your lips and mine?
Boy, are you Elvis Presley? Because lord almighty I feel my temperature rising
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. I hope you find someone who treasures you.
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.