I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
I’ve got my phone, and you have your phone number… imagine the possibilities.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
The Tsar Bomba, the most powerful nuclear explosive in recorded history, has an output of 57 megatons of TNT
And that pales in comparison to how much of a bombshell you are.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.
[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
Let's 'bag' this place and go get a coffee. And yes, I am proud of that pun.
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
Allow me to synapse with you, and we shall store the most wonderful of memories.
Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!