What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
I feel like we're in tune
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
Hey girl, you must be a math book because you’re full of problems.
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
One more thyme.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
Don’t be elfish.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.