Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
If you were a math test, I would cheat on you.
"The Theoretic Turtle"
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
– Amos R. Wells
You: It's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section. Because you could melt all this stuff.
Amelia, I’d love to share Ameal-with-ya
Hey what’s your favourite dessert? Mine’s e-Clairs
The fact is your refractive index is greater than 2.42. That means you shine brighter than a diamond!
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
Are you powdered sugar? Because you're sweet, and fine!
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
There's something wrong with my phone. It doesn't have your number in it.
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
Your smile is brighter than the fireworks on the 4th of July.
Oh, Darling, I'd like to be in your octopus garden
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
From what I’ve heard, they Sadie only way to make a good first impression is to start with a bad name pun
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown