“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
You’re like a pair of goggles; without you, everything’s a blur.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.
Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
But I don't care
Cause I'm leaving you.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
If I’d give you eleven roses, what would you see in the mirror? A dozen roses.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
What is the capital of Greece?
G.
Me: When is your birthday?
She: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* When is your birthday?
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
You feel like that old book tucked away in a corner – one look at it still makes my heart skip a beat.
-
One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
Which Star Wars movie is a baseball player's least favorite?
The Umpire Strikes Back.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.