Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
I can keep increasing the resistance on my bike, but I just can't resist you.
Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
Are you a lateral pterygoid because you make my jaw drop.
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Read a story about two people who stole cars driving into each other.
Must have been Bonnie and Collide
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
You must be mitochondria because you are the powerhouse of my heart.
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Feeling my shelf.
Why does it take so long for the EU to figure out how much Italy owes them every year?
Hey, ease up. Rome wasn't billed in a day.
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Never has there been a more romantic story than how those two geologists met.
It was lava at first sight.
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
Wait until you see my thunda from down unda!
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
"Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches."
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number.
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!