What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
Let’s go to my place. I’d like to show you my puck collection.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
"Do you like computers?" (yes.) "Do you like file sharing?" (yes) "Good, 'cause I'm downloadable and user friendly!"
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
You had me at taco.
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
- Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
You are one well-defined function!
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
Heisenberg was wrong. I'm certain about what you're doing tonight.
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.