Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
Are you a bowl of Lucky Charms? Because you appear to be magically delectable!
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
You are the hottest thing since sunburn.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
Did you just hit me with a pitch? I'm feeling faint.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
I'd start a revolution for your number.
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston