Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
This vacation has been sand-sational!
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
Do you need some encourage-mint?
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
I have no idea how you can look so great pre-coffee.
Nice Skates...Wanna Cross the Blue Line with Me?
See snow evil, hear snow evil.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
Do you mind if I slip my rope under your route?
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
You have changed my world to polar coordinates. Complex and imaginary things now have a magnitude and direction.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
"Just don't carrot all."
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.