What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
Are you a customs agent? I feel like I need to declare my love to you.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
My lead off's not great, and though I may be off base, I'd like to take you on a date.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
Why did the witch's cat scratch her?
Because he was in a bad mewd.
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
I’m not lion when I say you’re my mane.
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
"Hey girl, I don't have power and success, but I'm funny."
- Modern Family
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
Did my Spotify playlist glitch? Because you are the only song I hear.
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Hay girl, I'd like to have a stable relationship with you!
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.
It was so hot that the bee's perm had become extremely unmanageable, so she turned into a frizzbee.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
Are you a centripetal force? Because you make my world go round.
"Bugs and hisses."
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
Hi, I’m a T-cell, and I’m here to protect you from everything.