Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
Do you like science because I've got my ion you.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
There's some cabanossi and cheese back at my house with ya name on it.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
The pint’s the limit.
I'm afraid you can't pass this point, 'cause you're a bomb, Baby.
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
My coffee hasn't kicked in yet, so I can't think of a charming pickup line.
If I asked you out, could the answer be Ameli-yeah?
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
Canada is planning a mission to the moon
They're calling the spaceship the Apollo-G.
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail