If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
Your name must be trigonometry, because you make me want to cry.
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
Hi, Cupid just called. He wanted me to tell you that he needs my heart back. Would you do that?
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"You can't sip with us."
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
Is this seat saved? Because I am.
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.