As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.
Is it hot in here - or is it just you?
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran my boat into yours. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
Do you know how to dunk cookies? Ask a basketball chef.
Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
My love for you is like an exponential curve. It’s unbounded.
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
Hey girl, feel my sweater. Know what it's made of?
Boyfriend material.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
Sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re making the other girls look bad.
Ouch! You are giving me a good kind of toothache just because of your sweetness.
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
"Hey baby, you look so good, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of y'all!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
I only wanted a week's supply of sweets instead I got a lifetime supply because I got you.
Are you wearing space pants? Because your a** is out of this world.
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
I know I’m a perfect stranger, so let me introduce myself. I’m Ted. See? Now I’m just perfect.
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner