Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.

Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.

I know "Good Morning" in 5 different languages
Which do you want to hear tomorrow?

The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.

My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.

He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.

Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.

- Natasha Niemi

What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.

What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.

Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.

Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.

Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.

You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!

What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.

What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.

What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.

“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”

There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.

What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!

A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.

"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"

"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.

"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'

"So here I am."

Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.

Haida there, gorgeous.

Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.

“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth

My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.

What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.

Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.

In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.

"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore

I know somebody that thinks they might like you a lot. And if I wasn’t so shy, I would tell you who it is.

Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone

Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.

How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.

A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”

Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.

My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.

You are un-beer-lievable!

How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.

What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.

What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!

Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.

Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.

What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.