Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W-H-O.
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to answer the door?
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
Is your nickname Mercury? Cause you look habitable.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
Would you like to come over for tea and crumpets?
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.