I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
Are you a red blood cell? Because you never fail in delivering what my heart needs.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
Want to show me how to make steamy greens?
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.
He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.
What does an owl with an attitude have?
A scowl.
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
Reading is a novel idea.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
Do you run track? Because you are running laps around my heart.
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
Hey girl. I won this gold medal, but I'd really like to win your heart.
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.