What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
Hey pumpkin – I bet I can put a smile on your face.
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
We're donion rings.
How do werewolves stop a video?
They press the paws button.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
How does the weather tie its shoes? Witha rainbow!
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
"Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing."
- Austin Powers (1999)
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
Just so you know I have a ref full of chocolate, a couch and good films at my house.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke