What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
Are you religious?
Because your prayers have just been answered.
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
I want to live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
Not sure what my creatinine clearance is, but I just can't get you out of my system.
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
You raise the bar.
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
Q: Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?
A: Because he was the raining champion.
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
Do you have a quarter I can Bora Bora? I want to call my mom and tell her I've met the girl of my dreams.
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
Get in the swim this summer.
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
Are you a rusty bike? Because you gonna squeak and scream when I ride you tonight.
If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
The fact is your refractive index is greater than 2.42. That means you shine brighter than a diamond!
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.