Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
How to scare kids away in the night
Want to give them a really big fright?
Go hide in the closet
They'll leave a deposit
When the boogieman busts out tonight.
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.
What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
You make my heart race, and there is no finish line.
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?
Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
"Have an eggs-tra special Easter day."
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
Do you want to dance?
Yeah, sure.
Great, then I can sit there.
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo? A Bronco-saurus!
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous