I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Everyone said the wind was powerful. So, I went outside and was blown away.
What do llamas always say after yoga class?
“Llamaste.”
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
Without you, I’d disintegrate.
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
I'd let you Chataranga over me any day!
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
I always like to keep my place stocked with coffee and breakfast food in case I don't wake up alone.
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
Excuse me, I think you dropped something - my jaw.
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
Is your name Rapunzel, cause I need a girl who never leaves the bedroom and constantly wants me to pull her hair?
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti