“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
Filming in cemetery angers residents - The Evening Standard
Hey, wanna come to my place and observe something else that's constantly expanding?
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..
“Made in China”
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
Your smile must be a black hole. Nothing can escape its pull.
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
Chuck Norris' email address:
Gmail@chucknorris.com
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
You're hotter than a data center!
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Your gloves are nice. Where did you get them?
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.