Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
My Cobra pose isn't the only thing that's rising upward.
You’re sweeter than fructose.
I have the perfect emoji that describes you, but it would look much better next to your number on my phone.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
Let’s list the froze and cons.
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
I don't bite you know - unless it's called for.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
You must be a magician, because everytime I look at you, everyone else disappears.
What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.