Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Give me extra time; I’ll prove to you that I’m worth it.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
I wish I was a pronoun so I could be the direct object of your affection!
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
Wanna go out sometime? I think we’d have Avery fun time together
You must be Australian because you've turned my life upside-down.
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Juno.
Juno who?
Juno I love you, don't you?
On a Halloween night, long ago,
I went trick or treating with Margo;
We went as Jack and Jill,
And our pail we did fill,
Back in the city of Chicago.
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Are you my new favorite song? Because I'd like to hear you on repeat.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
I bet you’re really flexible.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
I think we Anthon-eed to get to know each other soon