“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
A spider called a tech support office.
He needed help connecting to the web.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.