What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
Let's boomerbang!
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? In the dark!
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
Wow, your name makes sense because you’re truly Audrey-m come true
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
Only a**holes use bidets.
How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.