What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
You must be Gisele Bundchen’s twin sister. You know the one no one talks about because she’s more beautiful than Gisele.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
Are you from China? Cause I'm China get your number.
When you're around, every mall is a sky mall.
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
I like my coffee like I like my men: either tall or with a confusing Italian name.
What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
I slipped some Great Barrier Reefers in yur drink.
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
This limerick isn’t a stretch.
It’s about an unfortunate wretch.
A werewolf pursued him.
How did he elude him?
He threw it a stick and yelled, “Fetch!”
Why are witches good at farming?
Because they love occult-ivation.
Why did the mummy get a divorce?
His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
Is your name Summer? Because you are hot!