What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
I saw a documentary today about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage.
But I believe this sub's doing even better!
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
Hi, my name's Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
Are you sitting on a candle? Because your booty is on fire.
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
I went to the butcher's the other day and asked them, how do you prepare your turkey for Thanksgiving?
They said that they just tell them straight out that you're gonna die.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
“Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.”
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
I want you. I knead you.
It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.
How was Heaven when you left it?
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
Trowel and error.
What did Homer Simpson say when he saw a female deer?
“Doe!”
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
My love for you is like a fruitcake during the holidays - nutty, spicy and unavoidable, no matter how hard you try.