"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
These decorations are tree-mendous.
What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
There's a basic difference between weather and climate: you can't weather a tree, but you can definitely climate.
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
I eat eel while you peel eel
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.