This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
What did the beaver say to the river? Meet me around the bend.
Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!
What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Do you know the difference between a wasps and a bee? A wasp is mean and aggressive… but Abby is sweet and cute
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."
What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"
Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.
The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.
Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!
Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.
My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.
Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."
– Graham Craven
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
Sedimentary rock has got nothing on the many layers of your amazing personality.