Girl: Your ex is so attractive
Boy: Which one?
Girl: ME. Goodbye.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler
I'm willing to lower my standards if you're going on a date with me.
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
Has Spotify contacted you yet? Because you are the hottest single in this club.
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
Do you like yoga? Because I could downward dog you all night.
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
I like the way you espresso yourself.
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
What does an obstinate piglet always say to his mama?
“Sow what?”
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.