Bad puns are how eye roll.
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”
Me: "That's how long your delay was."
Lettuce go on a long drive.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
An error has occurred, please try again!
Oh sorry but my system can't process something beautiful like you.
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
Love me do
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
He’s my pinch charming.
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
Girls just wanna have sun!
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.