One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
I can’t believe such a perfect match could Alexis-t
I can get you off the Naughty List.
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
My dad told me he’s not gonna eat my deviled eggs this thanksgiving.
He told me they’re possessed.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in; it’s cold out here!
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
Are you a classic? Because my love for you is timeless.
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
How does a kangaroo pick his favorite baseball team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
Did your parents work on The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!
Can I bother you for an aspirin tablet? Just looking at you from across the room is giving me heart-related pains.
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
Hey, was your daddy a barista because you are ALMOST what I ordered.
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
Hey girl, are you the sun? Because you’re the center of my universe.
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
I beg your garden?
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
Q: What did the dentist get for an award?
A: A little plaque
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns