Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
Fir sure.
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Does anything come after April A?
May B!
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Careful of that Earl Grey, it’s super hot! Oh wait, you don’t need to worry. It’s not as hot as you.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Did you get those pants on sale? (Why?) Because at my house they would be 100% off!
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
You’re the Higgs boson particle of my life… Because without you, my universe wouldn’t “matter.”
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
Whoa, Heaven must be missing an angel! Because you’re dead to me.
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
Is this seat saved? Because I am.
Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!
What birds like to write?
Penguins!
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
I'd like to eat breakfast with you.
Can I invite you to dinner?
If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.