A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
“Let’s quack this case.”
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
Why did Prince Charming take the Thanksgiving Turkey to the ball instead of Cinderella?
The turkey was already dressed.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
Are you an astronaut? Because I need some space.
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
Hey is your name Cameron? Cuz I’d love a Camera-n to capture that gorgeous face of yours.
What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.
Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:
This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.
The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.
I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.
I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.
That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.
I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.
(By Richard Thomas)
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
When are you due back in heaven?
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
In the Camel Kingdom, the king and his family live in the Camelot castle.
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.