Knock knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time to give you a kiss.
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
Man: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
Woman: Okay, but would you stay there?
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
You are the square to my root.
Why do we enjoy wine jokes?
Because they're de-vine!
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Al.
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open the door.
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
Distance equals velocity times time, or we could just simply race to the finish line.
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
You must be known for you defense cause you definitely stole my heart.
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.