It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.

What did the Golden Retriever say to the beautiful poodle?
You’re looking very fetching.

Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.

What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!

What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.

How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.

A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."

Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.

The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.

It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead

But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band

So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear

When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour

As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy

So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy

- Paul Curtis

Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”

I like you a lily bit more every day.

Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.

What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!

Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.

I find bone puns very
Humerus.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.

“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly

After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!

I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.

In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!

What did the turkey say before he was roasted?

“OK, spare me no insults!"

A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"

An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.

I take it that you are the captain of the sun.

I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.

I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.

What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!

While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"

What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"

The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.

What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.

If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.

An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"

A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"

"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton

Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.

What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.

I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.

Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.

"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot

How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers

Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.

Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”

Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.

Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.

“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx

Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.